A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, ‘How will I know if they are pregnant?’

The other farmer replied, ‘If they’re lying in the grass in the morning, they ‘re pregnant If they’re in the mud, they’re not.’

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, ‘Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.’

‘Neither,’ yelled his wife, ‘they’re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn

THE COUNTRY OF TEXAS

Please note that Texas is the only state with a legal right to secede from the Union.
(Reference the Texas-American Annexation Treaty of 1848.)

We Texans love y’all, but we’ll probably have to take action since Obama won the election.
We’ll miss you too.

Here is what can happen:

#1: Barack Obama becomes President of the United States.
Texas immediately secedes from the USA.
#2: George W. Bush will become the President of the Republic of Texas .

So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?

1. NASA is just south of Houston , Texas . We will control the space industry.
2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States .
3. Defense Industry–we have over 65% of it. The term “Don’t mess with Texas ,” will take on a whole new meaning.
4. Oil – we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years.
Yankee states? Sorry about that.
5. Natural Gas – again we have all we need and it’s too bad about those Northern States.
John Kerry will have to figure out a way to keep them warm….
6. Computer Industry – we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications–
small companies like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Miconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, etc, etc. The list goes on and on.
7. Medical Care – We have the largest research centers for cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, as well as other large health centers. Dallas has some of the best hospitals in the United States .
8. We have enough colleges to keep us going: University of Texas , Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU,
University of Houston , Baylor, UNT ( University of North Texas ), Texas Women’s University, etc.
Ivy grows better in the South anyway.
9. We have a ready supply of workers. We could just open the border when we need some more.
10. We have essential control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.
11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard.
We don’t have an Army, but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over Chuck Norris and a couple of Texas Rangers.
12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables, and let’s not forget seafood from the Gulf. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don’t need any food.
This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape.
There isn’t a thing out there that we need and don’t have.

Signed, The People of Texas

P.S. This is not a threatening letter – just a note to give you something to think about!
SLEEP WELL TONIGHT THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE UPON YOU!!
One Nation Under God

The big problem with “fast” food is that it slows down
when it hits your stomach.
And it just parks there…and lets the fat have time
to get off and apply for citizenship.

SHE LIED ON THE CO WORKING DESK AFTER SHE DRINKED
STAFF TOLD HER SHE NEED TO GET OFF THE DESK
SHE REFUSED TO GET OFF AND STAFF TOLD SHE NEED TO GET OFF AND THERE ARE THREE COACHES OR SOFA CLOSE THE DESK FOR HER REST

SHE FINALLY GET OFF THE WORKING DESK FINALLY BUT SHE THROW SOMETHING TOWARDS STAFF
OUR STAFF REPORTED TO ME AND LET HER LEAVE THE GATE
SHE LIED ON THE GROUND CRYING AND TALKING TO HERSELF VERY LOUDLY AND TRUN OVER AND OVER
WHEN FLGIHT START BOARDING SO I CAME TO HER AND TOLD HER AND ASK HER WHAT I CAN DO FOR HER
SHE SAID HER FOOT ANKLE WAS PAINFUL SO I CALLED AIRPORT DOCOTOR RIGHT AWAY FOR HER AND THE DOCOTORS DID CAME TO THE AIRPORT MANY CUSTOMERS REQUIRED NOT TO BOARD THIS CUSTOMER WHEN THEY SAW THIS SITUATION

I DENY HER BOARDING AFTER CHECKED WITH SOCC /CAPTAIN
SHE WAS VERY ANGRY AFTER I TOLD HER OUR DECISION
SHE WANTS TO RUN TO THE JETWAY BUT PROHIBITTED BY POLICE
SHE INSULTED ME AND POINTED AT ME WITH HER MIDDLE FINGER
I EXPLANINE MANY TIMES FOR THE REASON WHY I DENIED HER
SHE IS JUST CONTINUESLY SCREAMING AT ME AND SAY SEND ME TO THE JAIL SEND ME TO THE JAIL
THE POLICE ALSO SMELL THE HEABY SMELL OF WINE FROM HER
SHE SUDDNELY TOOK OFF HER UNDERWEAR AND THREW IT ON THE GROUND AND SAY FUCKY YOU EVERYBODY
I TOLD HER I WILL DENY HER BOARDING TOMORROW IF SHE CAN NOT BE CALM DOWN AND NOT BEHAVE LIKE TODAY
WE CALL THE US EMBASSY SINCE POLICE AND CUSTOMER HERSELF REQUIRE ONE EMBASSY REPRESENTATIVE TO COME TO THE AIRPORT BUT THE DUTY MANGER OF THE EMBASSY REFUSED TO COME

FINALLY SHE ACCEPT FLY ON TOMORRW FLIGHT WITH COOPERATE ATTITUDE AND WILL NOT BEHAVE LIKE TODAY
IMMIGRATION NOT ALLOW HER TO LEAVE THE AIRPORT ASSIGNED TWO IMMIGRATION OFFICER TO BE WITH HER TONIGHT

Simply amazing that anyone would act like that in public! Many airline passengers think that a ticket gives them a right to be jerks I guess!

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘You ____….’

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. It reminds you to think about whether or not your truck insurance is paid up.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you’ve been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, ‘the sunshine vitamin,’ which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal- burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts, which were last over-tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘DAMMIT’ at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

WD-40: If it doesn’t move and it should.

Duct Tape: If it moves and it shouldn’t.

A teacher in Lafayette, Tennessee asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different…again.

Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not an Obama fan.”

The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you an Obama fan?”

Johnny said, “Because I’m a Republican.”

The teacher asked him why he’s a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Republican and my Dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican.”

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked,

“If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, “That would make me an Obama fan

 

‘CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America .  Women admire her because she’s strong and successful.  Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.’
- Jay Leno

‘Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from  the great state of New York .  When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible.  You know, the one with only seven commandments.’
-David Letterman

Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete.  But she was not athletic enough.  She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn’t take women.   She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy.   Should she be telling people this story?   I mean she’s basically saying she wants to be president because she can’t do anything else.’
–Jay Leno

‘Well, the big story is — Hillary  Clinton will be running for president in 2008.  You know why I think she’s running?   I think she finally wants to see what it’s like to sleep in the president’s bed.’
–Jay Leno

‘Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president.   Apparently, some Democrats don’t like the idea, while others hate it.’
–Conan O’Brien

‘In a fiery speech this weekend,  Hillary Clinton wondered why President Bush can’t find the tallest man in Afghanistan   Probably for the very same reason she couldn’t find the fattest intern under the desk.’
–Jay Leno

‘Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is elected president, he will do whatever she wants.  You know Bill Clinton — when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank.’
–Jay Leno

A student from the University of  Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400.   He’s a law  student, so he probably doesn’t need it, but still, that’s not very much.   Today, Hillary Clinton said, ‘Hey, at least I  got some furniture, cutlery and a Senate seat for mine.’
–Jay Leno

‘Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all ex-felons to vote.  See, this way all the Clinton ‘s former business partners can vote for her in 2008.’
–Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton’s 506-page memoirs have come out.  So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern.’
– Craig Kilborn

‘In the book, she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said ‘I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air. Er….No, I’m sorry, that’s what Monica said.’
– David Letterman

‘Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States.   Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed.  He is crushed.  There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.’
– David Letterman

‘Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington   People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House.  In fact, even the furniture was the same.’
– Jay Leno

‘Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, is a promise broken.  And then, out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch.’
– Craig Kilborn

And finally, we’ve saved the best till last!

In Hillary Clinton’s new book  ‘Living History,’ Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife.  Then on page two, the trouble starts.’
– Jay Leno

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the
country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the
country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country
but don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like
their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running
the country — if they could find the time — and if they didn’t have to
leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s
running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat
on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the
country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while
intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country
but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there
is a country … or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose
all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders
are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be
illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course,
that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the
grocery store.

12. None of these are read by the guy who is running the country into
the ground.

A guy named Joe, traveling through Mexico on vacation, lost his
wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his
way home but is stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

“May I see your identification, please?” asks the agent.
“I’m sorry, but I lost my wallet,” replies the guy.

“Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry,” says the agent.

“But I can prove I’m an American!” he exclaims. “I have a picture of Ronald
Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and George Bush on the other.”

“This I gotta see,” replies the agent.

With that, Joe drops his pants and shows the agent.

“By golly, you’re right!” exclaims the agent. “Have a safe trip back
to Boston.”

“Thanks!” he says. “But how did you know I was from Boston?”

The agent replies, “I recognized Ted Kennedy in the middle

Gabriel went to the Lord and said, “I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems….They’re swinging on the Pearly Gates, My horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of robes; There’s barbecue sauce and picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep; they are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos.”
“They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scratching up the halls of Wisdom. There is watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their horses with them.”

The Lord said, “Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil.” So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, “Hello—hold on a minute.”

When he returns to the phone the Devil says, “OK., I’m back. What can I do for you?”

Gabriel replied, “I just want to know what kind of problems you’re having down there with the Texans.”

The Devil said, “Hold on again. I need to check on something.” After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said. “I’m back. Now what was the question?”

Gabriel said, “What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?”

The Devil said, “Man, I don’t believe this….hold on.” This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says, “I’m sorry Gabriel, I can’t talk right now. Those Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning!”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the
offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said,
“Son, I’ve been real proud. You brought your grades up and I’ve observed
that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m real disappointed you
didn’t get your hair cut.”

The young man paused a moment then said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been
thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that
Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long
hair and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.”

To this his father replied, “Did you also notice they all walked every
where they went?”

The old farmer said, “OK, but don’t go in that field right over yonder.”

The Agriculture representative said, “Mister, I have the authority of
the United States Government with me.  See this card?  The card means I
am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land.   No
questions asked or answered.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you
understand!”

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running
for the fence and close behind was the farmer’s huge-horned prize bull.
The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.  The Rep
was clearly terrified, so farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran
to the fence and shouted out…..

“Your card!  Your card!  Show him your card!”

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

“Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man

“Don’t you realize I can kill! with a word?” asked Satan.

“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.

“Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.

“Yep,” was the calm reply.

“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.

“Nope,” said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 44 years.”

Ghost Sex

A professor at University of Arkansas was giving a lecture on the
>>>supernatural.
>>>To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here
>>>believe in Ghosts?”
>>>About 90 students raise their hands.
>>><!–more–>
>>>We ll, that’s a good start.
>>>Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you
>>>think you have seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.
>>>
>>>That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously.
>>>
>>>Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
>>>
>>>About 15 students raise their hand.
>>>
>>>Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” 3 students raise their hands.
>>>
>>>”That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…
>>>
>>>Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
>>>Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
>>>
>>>The professor takes off his glasses, and says “Son, all the
>>>years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have
>>>made love to a ghost.
>>>You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
>>>
>>>The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began
>>>to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of
>>>the room the professor asks, “So, Bubba, tell us what it’s like to have
>>>sex
>>>with a ghost?”
>>>
>>>Bubba replied, “Shee-aat! From way back thar I thought you said Goats.”
>>>
>>>

Happy  IVGLDSW Day!  
 Today is  International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman’s Day, so please send this  message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it  back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn  Smart Woman!

And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a  journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive  and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one  hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and  screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”
 Have a wonderful day !
To the Girls !!
 
Inside every older person is a younger person — wondering what the hell happened.  
- Cora Harvey Armstrong-
 
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
(Unknown)
 
The  hardest years in life are t hose between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes  (at 73)-
 
I  refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.  
- Janette Barber-
 
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being — hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
- Erma Bombeck -  
 
Old age ain’t no place for sissies .
-Bette Davis-
 
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
- Caryn Leschen -
 
If you can’t be a good example — then you’ll just have to be a horrible  warning.
-Catherine-
 
I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.
- Roseanne  Barr-
 
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Maryon Pearson-  
 
Nobody  can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-  

Send  this to five bright women you know and make their day.  
 
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!